Currently Listening Move Along By All American Rejects Move Along see related

The previous entry is not suitable to end with. So.. here's to this summer.

Currently Listening Set Yourself on Fire By Stars Your Ex-Lover Is Dead see related

Over 3 months now.

Currently Listening Futures By Jimmy Eat World Kill see related

Just like I said the day that it happened,

I can't do this.

Hey guys, guess what tomorrow is? Whether you know or not... it doesn't matter. Tomorrow has no meaning to it. Tomorrow is just another day. A step towards the future. What happened a year ago doesn't matter. Because it already happened. It's done happening. I feel... really choked up right now. I'm not supposed to care about what tomorrow is. I'm not supposed to care about how things could be or should be. Because they aren't. And never will be. Tomorrow will happen. Tomorrow will pass. Tomorrow will end. Life will go on. Life always goes on. Life is a speeding train that doesn't stop for anything. Life doesn't fuck around. But life can only get the best of you if you let it. I'm still here. I'll always be here. Every time something goes wrong, it surprises me how strong I am. It's gotten to the point where I just provoke whatever force that causes these things to happen to make more of them happen because it won't even make a difference to me anymore. I don't care what happens. I can't do anything about what happens. Things just happen. Tomorrow one year ago happened. Christmas one year ago happened with all the snow. In February, my accident happened. In March, my surgery happened. Summer happened. My drinking happened. And grew. 4th of July happened. Lots of meeting new people and getting close with existant people happened. Old loves reentering my life happened. Lots of meaningless and meaningful hooking up happened. Way too much hooking up in cars. In trucks. On picnic tables. All happened. New experiences happened. Caitlin knows. Junior year happened. First semester happened. Stress. Long nights of little or no sleep happened. Astros games happened. Parties happened. Getting in trouble with the police happened. So much shit happened, the bad always outweighing the good. So much also did not happen. So much that was supposed to happen... never happened. And the things that don't happen are always a let down. But things happen to cause the things you wanted to happen to not happen. And those things suck. But then other things happen instead. There is one person I will always associate with dave matthews, thunderstorms, the middle of the night, and a blue civic. There is another person that I will always associate with penguin pajama pants, dashboard, rolling around in the hay, past summers, and my being a "cool girl." There is yet another person that I will always associate with a big truck, the smell chinese food, and comfort. Some are still around. Some aren't. Some come and go. Feelings are irrelevant in these situations. I only have good memories with those people. They aren't the most constant people, but they don't have to be. Because I have constant people in my life. I have Caitlin. She will never leave me. I have Chisom. I have group #1 and group #2. And of course, I have my family. Fuck hope and holding on and caring and all those stupid things that I thought were okay. They aren't okay anymore. None of this is okay anymore. So fuck it. Because I can be okay again. Without having to rely on someone to be my crutch. They can take their crutch and shove it up their ass. Fuck you, you hoe, I don't want you back.

And that's closure.

Ok so not being able to sleep at night and then almost breaking your arm at soccer tryouts after already stressing your knee and doing SOMETHING to your throat that makes you unable to breathe properly because it's all tightened up and giving yourself a pounding headache due to all the above mentioned factors and still thinking to yourself throughout all of this that you have nobody to come home to anymore and you don't even know why and you don't know what to do because you're hurting so much inside and you think about it every single day because you believe in it more than anything in the world... is not fun.